It's almost 5 months now since the last time I saw you..lying in that 'bed' that will forever take you to sleep. I watch you sleep peacefully as if..it's all you've ever wanted..as if you can't wait. You left me in multiple state: broken-hearted.. guilty.. sorry..regretful.. denial...confused..dismayed ..angry.. pensive... hateful... lonely and incomplete. Completely incomplete! I have so much here that I really wanted to tell you..to share with you.. to give you.. but then you left too soon. Sometimes I ask Him why though I know it's rude to ask but really...Why? Then at the end of the day...the question seem good if unanswered.
I really hate goodbyes..hence I only wish that within those 15 years of sharing your life with me..you felt my love..my care..my joy of having you as my brother..and most of all I hope that I have never disappointed you as your older sister...or have I?
I love you so much and I miss you so much that it hurts every time I think about you. I wish it was just a dream..a nightmare. Maybe it's also one of the very reason why I'm afraid of going home because I know you're not there anymore to welcome me..hugging and wrestling like you always do. Thus, the reality will then sink in that it's really not a dream.
What will happen now Jake? you see, being cheerful..lively..funny... are just too easy to portray..but even opium has its lasting effect. All the seasons will come and go but then the pain will always remain... =(
I don't know what to say anymore..words are so bitter that no matter how I express it ..it leaves me shattered.. and yet so many things are left unsaid.
I don't want to erase our shared memory even if it means more pain..but I'm hopeful that somehow..someday....these tears will run dry.
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