35 minutes more to go and it will be 1-2-11. Nothing really big happened today except that I’m delighted as I celebrated my New Year with my very funny sister. It was just the two of us…cleaning the house, emptying the laundry net, cooking finger foods, did errands for mom, etc. The whole time yesterday until today, I was just observing myself…hoping that the mood won’t change. I was not that happy but I know I’m doing fine. I guess I was in an unknown state, expressionless…but very much alive.
Last year, it was terrible. I can still clearly remember what happened. I was sad...pissed...lonely…completely shattered and heart-broken. I cried from December 31st to January 5th of last year. They said, whatever you do in the beginning of the year, it will have a great impact the whole year round, like a curse with a domino effect. I cried due to a very painful and sudden break-up. My loving heart was at stake, yet I succumbed to my emotion. I didn’t cared about the curse…I just cried until there were no tears anymore. So maybe that was it! I was in 4 relationships last year, right after the break-up, and all were in fiasco. I tried, God be my witness, to hold it and make it last…but it all ended naturally…like it should be.
I’m glad there were no tears being shed today. I’d rather be in this unknown state than risk my chance of having a blissful romance for the whole year round. And speaking of blissful romance, the very guy who broke my heart last year is coming back into my life. We’ve planned to meet right after New Year. I honestly don’t know if I am doing the right thing, if I am being smart this time…all I know is that, I still love him…and I wanted to be with him. Nothing is official yet…but every words spoken, the plan, the effort, the re-connection boils to one conclusion - we’re getting there. Deep in my heart, I knew that I am about to enter a battle… a battle that I’m really not sure of winning. But this reunion…I owe it to him, I owe it to my heart that I once spared because I was too coward of taking the risk. I can definitely remember what happened last March; we planned to meet as he was in town then. I knew we’ll just end up being together again (for the 3rd time) but I stood him up then changed my mobile number. I thought it was the smart thing to do and left everything to fate…thinking, against my heart’s desire, that if we are meant to be then fate will bring us back in a serendipitous way. But I was wrong…dumbly wrong. I endured the rest of the year longing, hoping…bombarded with if’s and but’s.
Now that he’s back, I cannot think of anything but to trust him again. The ‘what-might-have-been’…’what-could-have-been’ shall finally be answered. Will it be for keeps? I’m not sure. Last year started with goodbye. This year, as he’s saying hello again, I’ll welcome him like a total stranger, definitely the past shall be crumpled to oblivion. Who knows, this new beginning might have an inspiring end, if not happily ever after.
1 comment:
I adore you for being honest in all your emotions. You know, I was like you in 2010, in the way I opted to lose a once-hopeful-and-surviving-relationship with someone I thought would yield to the very end of everything to save "us," our then-story. But given the conflicting situations and the dim future awaiting us, I pushed him away. After tainting my trust with disdain, my heart was hardened, I could barely hear his voice begging for apology. I was dumb for almost half of the year.
It was the lessons learned that made me even stronger as a woman. Now, choosing to relish every second of being single (for a moment) I was able to do so many things I was once deprived of doing so when I was still in a relationship.
Things work together for good. I may not be in good terms with him until today, but I'm looking forward to a brighter chance to let time heal everything -- even the pain of betrayed trust and broken romance.
Cheers!
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